Every action in life has a consequence, which might be brief and contained, or like the ripples that are created when you drop a pebble into a lake, they may spread out. Sometimes, situations arise in our lives as the result of our own actions and reactions, and sometimes it's the actions of other people that send out the ripples which create our reality.
As children, we have little, if any, control over the circumstances of our own lives. And although we have more control as adults, the choices and decisions we make will be based on our upbringing and childhood experiences. But whatever those experiences have been, each one of us ultimately has the ability to steer our own life course.
I was able to write my book 'Cut the Crap and Feel Amazing' and my recordings for my 'feel amazing' app because of my life experiences, because of the questions I have asked, the answers I have discovered, and the years I have spent working as a therapist, helping people to improve their mindset and cope better with their own lives.
Life is simply a series of phases, each one leading you on to the next - which is something worth remembering if you're experiencing stressful or challenging times: whatever is happening is a phase and you will pass through it.
When everything changed
In 2002, my life looked perfect - from the outside. Behind the scenes, however, my 19-year marriage was falling apart. And so was I. In the autumn of that year, I had a mental breakdown and spent a period of time in a psychiatric unit, which is when my whole world changed. My life flipped dramatically from working and being a mother to my gorgeous ten-year-old daughter to later living alone in a bedsit.
I had been a kind and caring person, but in the process of always looking out for others, I had ignored my own needs for too long, until eventually I'd become so swamped by everyone else's cares and responsibilities that I lost myself. Then, after my marriage broke down, the people I assumed would be there for me, weren't. I know for some of them it was because they were scared by my behaviour during my mental breakdown and didn't know how to react to me.
The bottom line was that as well as losing my mind, I lost custody of my daughter, my home, my family, my friends, my dog, my money, my car and my belongings. It was as if my entire world had been erased like chalk on a blackboard. As a loving and devoted mother, I had spent ten years trying to make my daughter's world perfect. Then, in one fell swoop, I had let her down. I did eventually rebuild my relationship with her, but it would be eight years before I saw her on her birthday again, and even longer than that before I spent another Christmas Day with her. What I missed most during that time was just being there for her and doing all the normal things we take for granted, like making breakfast and watching television together.
Through the most difficult and lonely times, I struggled to rebuild my life and come to terms with the fact that I couldn't simply step back into the world I'd dropped out of because my breakdown had changed everything. Instead, I had to search for ways to help myself so that I could be strong, not only for my own sake but also for my daughter. I chose not to take anti-depressants during that time because I knew that they would simply mask whatever the problems were, whereas what I had to do was face my circumstances head-on learning to cope with my new reality.
Moving forward
I made a decision quite early on during the period of my recovery that, somehow, my life would be AMAZING, despite everything that had happened. Today, perhaps the most AMAZING thing about it is the relationship I now have with my daughter.
Luckily, during the lowest point in my life, I met someone who loved and supported me, because he could see who I really was. He told me later that the reason he had stayed with me during some of my low points was because he could see that even when I was desperate because I had no contact with my child, I was constantly moving forward. That man is now my husband, and the support he gave me at that terrible time helped me. I realised that the key to improving your life is to keep changing and evolving by changing your mindset so that you never become stuck in a bad situation.
Although I have good relationships with my family and ex-husband now, I know what it feels like not to be believed in or approved of by your friends and family, and how difficult it is to have to learn to cope alone. And I know that if I can change myself and the circumstances of my life, every client who comes to me feeling lost, stressed, upset or unable to cope can make their life AMAZING too.
When I set out as a therapist, I hoped to be able to use the knowledge I had gained for myself to help just one person, Little did I know that I would end up helping thousands, which is something I'm immensely proud of, because everyone's life matters - not just to them, but to me too.
Extract from the award-winning book 'Cut the Crap and Feel Amazing' which is a guide to life by Ailsa Frank published by Hay House
